In today’s Dear Chris column, the question is asked: Can I get back my soulmate after he ran away with someone else?
KEYWORDS: abundance, relationships (for women), scarcity, soulmate, Law of Attraction, LOA.
I am a woman in my early thirties, and I have been dating this wonderful man for about three years. I am completely sure that he is my soulmate: he’s just too special, and too perfect, to be anything else. He is my “dream man”.
My problem, though, is that, even after three years of seeing each other, he now suddenly has left me for someone else. I just can’t believe it.
And although I have gone deep inside myself to find out whether or not I myself, somehow, was the cause of all of this, I cannot really see that I did anything wrong.
I don’t understand why all this happened to me. I thought we were meant to be together. Isn’t that what soulmates are for?
How should I approach this situation? Is there any chance of getting him back? If so, what should I do to bring him back to me?
Thank you for telling me about your situation.
I understand your problem, and I also understand that you are not feeling especially good right now. But let me try to say a few things that may help. By adopting a different perspective, you might be able to see things in a more positive light.
The Soulmate Question
Although the idea of a ‘soulmate’ certainly is romantic and wonderful in many ways, the common conception of it is that a ‘soulmate’ is someone who is unique. It is a very special person that somehow is emotionally (or otherwise) connected to you in some way. Maybe there is even some tinge of ‘destiny’ there.
In any case, the primary ‘feature’ of a ‘soulmate’ is that he (or she) is unique, and that there is only one of them. This is, of course, true in the sense that all human beings are unique: each and one of them is a unique ‘package’ of muscles, bones, feelings, beliefs, etc. No-one is identical.
A Second Type of Uniqueness
But when we are talking about a ‘soulmate’, the assumption is that there is also another type of uniqueness, namely that of ‘compatibility’. In other words, the assumption is that “there is no-one else that is as compatible with me as he (or she) is”, or something along those lines.
And it is this second type of uniqueness that is problematic. For I think it is false. The truth of the matter, I believe, is that there are many potential romantic partners that are waiting for you.
The problem, however, is that if you do not believe that there are many potential partners waiting to be found, and your ‘soulmate’ walks out on you, then you might automatically conclude, using perfectly good logic, that the situation is more or less hopeless.
But the situation is not at all hopeless. On the contrary. The disappearance of your previous boyfriend now has opened up a nice space for an equally good (or even better!) partner. So there is no loss, only opportunities.
“I Want Him Back”
However, at this stage you might say, “Chris, I don’t want other men. I want him back.” And, yes, I do understand how you’re feeling. But we can’t make other people like us, or love us.
Relationships are a two-way thing: both persons must agree. As soon as one of the persons involved stops loving, or caring, then the relationship is over.
So although you think that he is your ‘soulmate’, evidently he himself does not agree. In fact, not only does he not agree that he is your ‘soulmate’; he also demonstrates by his actions that he does not think that you are his ‘soulmate’ (if he at all believes in ‘soulmates’).
But regardless of what he believes about the idea of ‘soulmates’, the situation is that he has left you for another woman. So we have to take it for what it is.
Turning It Around
One way, then, to turn around this situation is, as I have said previously, to simply stop believing in the idea of a ‘soulmate’. The idea of a ‘soulmate’ is a very ‘claustrophobic’ one: it confines you in a very narrow space, without any way out.
That concept is built on a scarcity principle; it’s a ‘monopoly’, without alternatives. From my perspective, what you have told me so far, I see no reason for you to keep using it (but maybe you have some other piece of information that I don’t know about?).
A better alternative might be to adopt a more possibility-filled future, where there are thousands, or even millions, of possible boyfriends waiting for your association. In such a scenario, the only question would be how to find them.
Finding New Boyfriends
It wasn’t clear from your description of your situation whether or not you know the basic principles of the philosophy of Law of Attraction or not. So I will take this opportunity just to shortly describe some of the ideas.
The law of attraction is about (energy) vibration. And the idea is that people with similar (energy) vibrations attract each other. A person in a bad mood will attract others also in a bad mood; conversely, a person in a good mood will attract others in that same mood.
So the general thing to do, according to the law of attraction, is then to make sure that one (always) has the right energy ‘aura’, or energy vibration. This can be done in various ways, for example by practicing a certain type of meditation, or doing other types of exercises and activities.
The guiding principle here is that you must prepare your own vibration ahead of time in order to attract a person with that same, or similar, vibration. Only if you do your homework first will you be able to attract the right potential boyfriends.
Copyright © 2020 by Chris Bocay. All rights reserved.
First published: Sun 12 Jan 2020
Last revised: Sat 6 Aug 2022